It
has occurred to me that there is an art to listening at 12 Step
meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA);
to put it another way, there are some ways of approaching a 12 Step
meeting that I have found can help me to benefit from the hour I spend
at the meeting. Here are some guidelines I have put together especially
for newcomers to 12 Step meetings; but I think some of us "old-timers"
might need a refresher as well:
Compare In, Not Out! Keep an open mind.
Remember
that the 12 Step Programs, like all organizations, have their own
language, their own customs, and their own ways of doing things. When
you hear something that doesn’t sound right to you, that you disagree
with, that even offends you, avoid an all or nothing reaction (for ex.,
“That’s it! This Program is not for me!”). Set aside those objections
and listen with an open mind. Try to have the mindset that I will listen
for statements that I can relate to, rather than for ones I cannot
relate to. In other words, try to compare yourself in, rather than out.
Try To Be Non-judgmental.
Everyone, it seems, has a little judge in the head who comments on what others say, with silent observations such
as: "that's ridiculous!", or, "he can't even speak with good grammar",
"she's only newly sober, what does she know?", etc. Try to quiet that
little judge in your brain and listen for ideas and concepts and for
feelings (see below). Some of the most profound statements I have heard
at 12 Step meetings have come from individuals with little formal
education but a Ph.D. in addiction and recovery.
Listen for Feelings and Genuineness.
The
first time I ever sensed that there may be something spiritual going on
at a 12 Step meeting was when I heard (and felt) real people sharing
genuinely, from the heart, real feelings. You may not be able to relate
to some of the factual details of a person's story, but you will almost
always be able to relate to the feelings and state of mind of the
speaker during active addiction and recovery.
Here are some ideas for the 12 Step Program newcomer in particular:
Anonymity
is critically important to the integrity and vitality of AA. Please
respect this fact and respect the confidentiality of persons present at
the meeting. The identity of persons and what is said at the meeting
should be kept confidential.
Because
12 Step members strive to be supportive of newcomers, you may be
approached before or after the meeting, and asked questions similar to
these: “How long you have been in the Program”, or, “Are you new to the
Program”, or other questions seeking to see if you need some help.
Answer honestly, perhaps along these lines, as appropriate to your
situation: “I’m new; just trying to figure things out about my drinking
or drug use.”
Members
may offer to give you their telephone numbers to call them if you need
help. Just accept them graciously. You always have the choice of whether
or not to call. It is up to you whether or not you choose to give out
your own number. A general guideline is that you should choose to accept
help one on one from someone of your own gender to avoid complications
unneeded in early recovery.
You
may be asked to read some of the material customarily read at the
outset of the meeting, You may elect to do so, or decline by saying
something like: “Not this time, thanks.”, or “I don’t feel comfortable
doing that, thanks.” If you decide to do the reading, be aware that it
is expected that you identify yourself by first name and that you are an
alcoholic or addict: “My name is ----, and I’m an alcoholic, or addict”
If
you are called on to speak during the meeting, you can choose to share,
or not. If not, the best response is probably: “I’m just going to
listen”, or “I pass”. As always, be aware that it is expected that you
identify yourself by first name and that you are an alcoholic or addict:
“My name is ----, and I’m an alcoholic, or addict”
As always, comments are invited. Jan Edward Williams, www.alcoholdrugsos.com, 10/28/2013.